Don't Talk to Your Teenager on an Empty Stomach

Last night, I popped my popcorn, poured myself a glass of wine, and was ready to disappear to NYC with my good friends from Law and Order SVU (no judging, please - I have been with Benson and Stabler from the beginning and I am not giving up on them yet), when I got a call from a girlfriend. 

Her voice was wavering as she implored me to help her talk to her son. “Suddenly, he wants to go cross country for college - to a school that wasn't even high on our list! (Sidebar: I may have rolled my eyes at her use of “our list,” but that is a topic for another day.)

“It’s WAY less competitive than all the others. He’ll never get a job if he goes to that school! I’ll never see him again! What am I supposed to do? When I ask him about it, he just rolls his eyes and leaves the room!”

Every year, between February and April, I get these calls about three times daily. It's college admissions decision release season, and the intensity is at a boiling point not only for the students but also for their parents.

Many parents prepare for this rite of passage by reading books or blogs about the admissions process. They spend hours on College Confidential, Reddit, and other discussion boards searching for the holy grail of finding “good” colleges, coping with the stress, and seeking advice on how to communicate with their college-bound child without starting World War III.  

In fact, if you google “how to talk to your kids about applying to college, you will get about 1,310,000,000 results (0.57 seconds). 

While there is some good advice out there to help parents navigate the conversation, including tips like:

1. Limit the times you talk about college - scheduling time to only talk about college once a week 

2. Let the child drive the conversation

3. Don’t keep pushing the same schools (especially the college you went to)

4. Don’t say, “My friend told me their sister’s daughter’s friend went there and...”  

5. Be upfront and honest about your feelings on particular colleges and the financial realities of attending specific colleges

Yet, even when we follow these guidelines, things always seem to go off the rails. 

Let’s face it: as open and understanding as you are, you likely have strong opinions about where your kid goes to college that your child might disagree with. You are human; you are a parent. You want to think you know what’s best for our children. And sometimes you do — but sometimes our words and actions mask even our best intentions. But they are teenagers, and it is their job to push back, become independent, and take risks. 

And many times, these two “roles” don’t interact well.

Dare I say I might have a helpful solution to help your family through talking about college with your teenager… and enjoying it?!  

Here are my Top 10 Tips for Talking About College with Your Teenager 

10. Ask First, Listen Carefully: Begin by asking, "Do you want my advice, do you want me to listen, do you want a hug, or do you want to be left alone?"

9.  Validate Their Feelings: Always start by acknowledging their emotions. For example, "It must feel challenging hearing that decision."

8. Use "AND" Instead of "BUT": Replace "but" with "and" to keep the conversation open and show you're willing to listen. “But” shuts the door and their ears. “And” leaves it open. Try to encourage your teens to do the same.

7. Ask Permission to Share: Before offering opinions, ask questions like, "Would you like to hear my perspective on these schools?"

6. Stay Present: Focus on your child’s current feelings, remembering that teenagers' perspectives and preferences can change quickly.

5. Check Your Nostalgia: Recognize that your memories of your college years are likely rose-tinted and may not reflect the whole reality.

4. Create a Safe Emotional Space: Give your child a "Get Out of Jail Free" card during potentially stress-inducing conversations, allowing them to express emotions without immediate punishment.

3. Practice Self-Restraint: Create a personal "sticker chart" to reward yourself for avoiding College Admissions Compulsivity (CAC) and overtalking with your teen. Give them space to process. It works - really, it does. How do you think I bought myself the new boots I was eyeing? 😉 

2. Know When to Step Back: Have a metaphorical "Time Out Chair" for yourself and be prepared to walk away if the conversation becomes unproductive.

And my number one tip for having a successful conversation with your teen about college (or anything for that matter)

1. Never — I repeat, never — talk about college (or about anything else) on an empty stomach. Snack first. Feed them. Sip something (no judgment on what). Then proceed.

Bonus Advice: Most of all, do it imperfectly. Embrace imperfection. Your teenager will appreciate your genuine effort more than a perfect performance.

There is no worksheet, plan, or perfect parenting formula that keeps us from being human. You can follow the scripts, read all the blogs, and say all the “right” things — and things still might go sideways.

AND yet… our kids usually forgive us. Not because we got it all right, but because they know we’re trying — really trying — to show up for them, even when we fumble.

(And if they don’t forgive us right away, a scoop of their favorite ice cream or a bag of Swedish Fish usually helps. At least in my house.)

Want more tips and insight? Make sure to sign up for my Half-baked Ideas newsletter, where you’ll find reflections, ideas, and honest conversations about what it means to raise teenagers. Some thoughts will be fully formed, others will be half-baked, but all will be shared in the spirit of learning and connection.